If growth is something you seek, you will perpetually be working towards and waiting for something. As humans, we are ill equipt to deal with the unknown. We prefer safety, comfort and the magic power to endlessly control our environments.
If we don’t know what our future holds, and who of us really has a fucking clue, then we will use our brain power to fabricate what we hope and think will be best for us. Or rather, what our ego tells us will suit us best. When it (most likely) doesn’t go according to plan, we either resist and throw a fit or we find it within ourselves to go with the flow. The latter is certainly easier on our nervous system in the long run.
If it’s out of “the plan” we may externalize it and in a moment lose our grounding. We think that someone or something is out to get us. We become the victim, powerless to the world around us. We may get wimpy or malicious. Whether we get cut off in traffic, don’t get the promotion we want or someone breaks up with us, it can suddenly dictate the way we see and interact with the world.
The bigger the situation, the bigger the risk, the more power it has on our psyche. When things don’t go as planned, and so much has been invested in making that thing happen, it can feel like the ground has been ripped from beneath us.
My boyfriend and I have been waiting for my Swedish visa to come through for about 10 months now and quite simply, we have no real indication of when it will come through. On bad days I feel powerless and like I’m living in the biggest limbo of my life to date. Straddling a fulfilling and nourishing life here in Denver and awaiting a new life and growing love over in Sweden.
In the good moments, days and sometimes weeks, I know in my bones there is much to be learned during this time. I remind myself that many of us are working towards bigger and better goals. ALL of this is uncertain. There is no guarantee. This is one thing that binds us together and puts us all on the same playing field. The trick we play on ourselves is that at times we perceive that we have control of these outcomes and the day-to-day matters that inevitably make up our life. While we have control over how we respond to life situations and circumstances, we don’t have ultimate say in how things will play out. This is comforting, bittersweet and slightly terrifying all at the same time. Oh the dichotomy of life! It’s an ambiguous combination of dedication, trust, faith, willingness to fail and play that makes all of this work and propels us forward.
So I will wait. I will continue to go down this path and surf the constant wave of emotions. With its peaks and valleys, I’m in the troughs of a deep valley. But the valleys are full of rivers, lush vegetation, and animal life. I’m hiking my way to the top so I can take a few deep breaths and celebrate for a few well deserved moments only to roll myself back down to another new and exciting valley.
I will wait. Life exists in the waiting, with all of its pain and power.
Hike on Friends!
All the love,